Helplessness

I'm just not having much success at coming up with new reflections.  I opened the blog to try to write one last night but finally gave up.  I guess tonight I just want to spend a little time talking about something that came up at work today.  I was talking with one particularly distraught mom.  Her very young (weeks old) daughter was being worked up to rule out sepsis (bloodstream infection with additional features), and it had been a nightmarish day.  In addition to the various normal blood tests required, a lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap) is necessary for the workup, so between all the testing and the fact that her daughter was in the emergency room and simply waiting for a bed to be ready before being admitted to the hospital, mom was pretty much beside herself.  And the worst of it, she acknowledged, was the sense of helplessness, the realization that she couldn't do anything to make this better for her baby.  And she had no choice but to accept that; there were really no alternatives.

I think most of us feel helpless from time to time, if not more frequently.  We see things playing out, we see how much pain certain events are causing, but we are powerless to stop or alter them.  Sometimes we try anyway, knowing that we will fail, knowing that we'll probably do more harm than good, simply because we cannot bear to feel helpless.  But I also think that Lent is about an example of helplessness that became the basis for human salvation.  If He chose to become helpless on the cross for our sake...maybe there's a lesson for us there?  Just a thought.

Anyway, that's all for me tonight.  Hope everyone's doing well...till next time, peace and God bless!

Gripes and blessings

Finished work at 11.  Got home at 11:30.  Lecture tomorrow morning at 7 -- have to take a 6:30 bus in.  Because everyone will be fully awake and attentive for a 7 AM lecture.  Riiiiiiight.  Anyway, that's my excuse for why this is going to be ridiculously short.  I get to work in the peds ED again this week (my favorite site by far), and it reminds me that although we're often asked to make sacrifices and deal with things that are difficult (and these tend to take center stage during Lent), there's also a lot that we are given that is easy and joyful.  This, for me, is one of those things, and realizing that is its own defining moment.

Anyway, that's it for me tonight.  Continued prayers for some special intentions would be appreciated.  Hope everyone's doing well; till next time, peace and God bless!

In good conscience

I have to admit that my conscience is bothering me a bit after yesterday's OSCEs.  You see, after going through a mockup of a well visit for an adolescent patient, I was told by the observing physician that I should have included counseling about contraception during the "appointment."  I stuttered briefly before explaining that I couldn't really do that in good conscience because of my faith.  "Well, all you really need to be willing to do is refer her to someone..."  I just nodded.  But as I continue to think about it, an old question rears its head: if I refer her to someone else whom I know will provide counseling I believe to be morally wrong, how different is that from simply providing the counseling myself?  I mean, it feels in a lot of ways like it's merely semantics, the same as Pilate washing his hands of the Crucifixion -- something to make me feel better rather than something altering the fundamental moral quality of the choice.  I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it, but this scenario always leaves me feeling guilty and uncomfortable.  Of course, the flip side is that I'm legally required to provide this referral, and I could probably be barred from practice if I don't offer said referral.  Makes for a bit of a quandary, no?  Maybe peds critical care or neonatology is the way to go after all -- these types of moral questions probably don't pop up quite so often in those populations.  Anyway, if people have thoughts on the subject, I'd really appreciate if you'd be willing to share.

That's all for tonight...Mass tomorrow, then I should probably get some work done.  Till next time, peace and God bless!

St. Luke Society

As those of you who read my entries back in September know, it's very easy for a Catholic student to feel alone in medical school -- especially this medical school.  But it looks like that may be a thing of the past thanks to a group of first- and second- (soon to be second- and third-) years who have finally made the idea of a Catholic fellowship at the school a reality.  It'll be an official group, the St. Luke Society, and will be able to host events and everything, but most importantly it'll be a support system for those of us who aspire to be truly Catholic physicians.  It'll be wonderful to see how this group grows and progresses, and hopefully it'll make this particular cross a little easier to bear.

Anyhow, that's it for me.  Just finished family medicine (the exam was a disaster...I hope I passed) and I'm completely wiped out, so I'm off to bed.  Till next time, peace and God bless!

Interlude

I'm back from Altoona and I'm too exhausted to write anything intelligent or even coherent tonight, so I'll write an actual reflection (as well as commenting on a couple of patients) tomorrow.  Of course, I also need to do some studying tomorrow, but I don't think I'll have too much trouble with that.  Anyway, I'm off to bed.  Till next time, peace and God bless!

Sacrifice vs. suffering, part II

Ok, so is sacrifice more than merely sought-after suffering?  I mean, it kind of seems that way, right?  But if suffering is intrinsically an evil (forgive the atrocious philosophical formulation there; I simply can't come up with a better way to phrase it at this hour), then seeking after it for its own sake would be wrong -- as it would be to mutilate oneself.  But then sacrifice implies purpose, doesn't it?  It does not pursue suffering in itself but rather pursues the discipline and the nearness to God.  Ugh...I'm not explaining this well, and my half-asleep brain isn't helping matters.  Rather than continue to push forward and butcher my arguments and logic, I'll think about it on my drive back to Pittsburgh tomorrow and see what I come up with.

Till next time, peace and God bless!

Sacrifice and suffering, part I

So this is an internal debate I have with myself from time to time...usually right after a shelf exam when I don't want anything vaguely medical violating my precious neurons for a couple of days.  It's kind of a long topic, and I don't think I'll be getting through it tonight.  As we've established previously, the concept of sacrifice is central to Lent.  But how does sacrifice relate to suffering?  Suffering, if I understand it properly, is not in itself a good thing.  For suffering to be a good, it must have a purpose; furthermore, the one who is suffering must accept that purpose (or, at the very least, must accept that the suffering has some purpose despite being unable to comprehend fully what it might be).  It is not itself a good; rather, without the context of purpose and acceptance, suffering is an evil.  Practically speaking, I think it's pretty hard to claim otherwise.  And that which is evil is never to be sought after, especially for its own sake.  So then the question becomes "what is sacrifice?"  After all, we're deliberately giving things up, making life a little harder for ourselves (sometimes a LOT harder).  Does that mean that by our sacrifice we're seeking out suffering?  That's the thought to ponder tonight, and that's where I'll start from tomorrow.

Till next time, peace and God bless!